Monday, May 6, 2013

A lose so deep, a prayer to keep the darkness away

Today I experienced something so devastating I could never have imagined how it would tear me apart. I found out about a week ago that I was pregnant for the third time I was nervous, scared, and finally excited about what this new joy would bring to me, my husband and our two little boys. I was starting to look for a new midwife since we have moved very far from my previous ones. Planning on buying a mini van since we would have three car seats, looking for a house because our apartment is small enough already. I was already feeling bonded with my little one super excited couldn't wait to hear the heartbeat, feel the first kick, see them in the ultra sound.... However this was not the time for that I miscarried today. We spent about 5 hours in the hospital I was super scared I didn't know if I really had or if something else was going on I was praying so hard that Heavenly Father would save my little one but alas not my will but HIS was done. Even as I type this I am still totally filled with all sorts of emotions I can begin to explain them all but I know at this exact moment two things. 1 My Heavenly Father loves me very much and that He will not abandon me in my time of need and 2 He knows better than I.

I was asking why me? what did I do wrong? Instead I should be asking what am I to learn from this? What traits will this help me develop? and finally Will I let this destroy me or will I conquer the darkness that threatens to engulf me?

I am not sure about what the future holds or where this path will take me but I know that there is a little spirit in Heaven who had a false start and is waiting to try again and when its the perfect time I will be ready to receive them I am still going to look for that mini van and the midwife and the house because when that sweet angel is ready to come join us I am going to make sure there is plenty of room for them to come.

I am so grateful for the love I know my Heavenly Father has for me and I am so blessed by the Atonement of Jesus Christ and He can help me get through this.